So, the 2010 Coastal Carolina Fair rolled through town, and Katie and I made an appearance. I used to be a huge fan of the rides, but as the years went on and the lines got longer, my attentions turned toward making fun of some of the art in the exhibit halls, watching people throw away small fortunes on chances to win enormous stuffed animals, and, of course, the fair food. Last year's fair brought with it the introduction of fried butter. Let that sink in for a minute, and then try to wrap your head around it. A pat of butter, rolled in some kind of batter, and then deep fried. Clearly, I had to try it - one of man's greatest accomplishments, to be sure. I couldn't work up the nerve, however, and it haunted me for a year, hanging over my head like some kind of greasy, fat-laden ghost.
This year was going to be different. I went to the fair with the express purpose of trying anything I could find that sounded like it could appear on ThisIsWhyYoureFat. I had heard rumblings coming out of Columbia that Krispy Kreme burgers were seen in the wild, so I was optimistic. I tested my selections by telling Katie that I was thinking about ordering something. If she said "you're not really getting that, are you?" I knew that I was good to go.
First off, I had to confront my buttery nemesis. Walking up to the stand, we discovered that we could get the Super Sampler Platter: cheesecake, cookie dough, carrot cake, and of course butter, all deep-fried. How could we go wrong? We ordered our platter, and as we waited, I told Katie that I wouldn't think any less of her as a person after we tried fried butter. I was slightly disheartened when she didn't tell me the same, though I could certainly understand.
From left to right, we have cookie dough, carrot cake, and cheesecake. The butter sat on top, as if to taunt me by its very existence. We were delighted to find that cinnamon sugar had been sprinkled on the butter, the carrot cake glazed, and the cheesecake covered in cherries. It really pounded home the fact that this was one of the most unhealthy things that either of us had ever tried to eat.
We decided to eat the butter first, since it was probably the worst of the set and we didn't want to have the taste hanging around for the rest of the fair. I tried to take a picture, but it proved to be impossible - as soon as you bite into it, all of the melted butter floods into your mouth. It's horrifying, but the saltiness is offset by the cinnamon sugar. After the first bite, you're essentially left with a buttery shell. Overall, it wasn't awful. I didn't know what to expect, but that wasn't it. I give it a 4/10.
Next up was the cookie dough. Imagine the most sickeningly sweet thing you can, and then add chocolate to it. One bite into it, and I was finished. The texture is somehow granular but fluid, like what I imagine lava or molten sand would taste like. The cookie dough is just overpowering and, despite my best efforts, I couldn't bring myself to take another bite of it. 1/10.
The cheesecake tastes exactly like what you would expect cheesecake dipped into a fryer to taste like: hot cheesecake. Under normal circumstances, I absolutely love cheesecake. Heated up and wrapped in batter, however, are not normal circumstances. The texture was fine (like normal cheesecake, but runnier), but the temperature was completely wrong for the taste, and as a result I hated it. 2/10.
What did I learn from the Super Sampler Platter? That, against all odds, butter is a better candidate for being fried and eaten than a few other things. Also, that people should mostly stick to meats and some veggies for frying.
Next up, I wanted to eat some actual food. I couldn't break tradition, so I shopped around and found a Polish sausage stand.
I don't know why everybody always gets so grossed out about these. They're delicious, and a total 10/10. I took a break from eating at that point, partly because I wanted to walk around a little bit, and partly because I was entering a sugar coma from the fried cookie dough. After the break, however, it was time to seek out and conquer the beast.
I found a tiny, unassuming stand outside the agriculture hall. I would have kept walking, had it not been for the Krispy Kreme flags on top. It was time.
- A Krispy Kreme glazed donut
- Cheese (Velteeta-like)
- Hamburger patty
- Another glazed donut
For some reason, I was imagining that it was going to be very heavy and difficult to hold. It wasn't at all, and so we dug in.
It was...surprisingly good. The donut was really well offset by the bacon and patty, and almost a little fruity. The only complaint I had was that the cheese was too fake-tasting. I feel like a better cheese would have really enhanced the whole burger, and I'm tempted to make one at home to see if I'm right. Overall, I give it an 8/10. I was going to get a second one, but I hesitated long enough for my stomach to tell my brain that one was enough.
Overall, I came away satisfied, if not fearful for the future of my stomach. I think that the Krispy Kreme Burger has potential, and I plan to perfect it in the future. I can't wait to see what kind of fried foods next year's fair holds. Hopefully, some genius will fry up a Krispy Kreme Burger and sell it.